Wednesday, March 20, 2013

There is no magic pill, except sometimes

It's nice to put the panic attacks behind me.  I've been on a serotonin enhancer for a few weeks now and feel like I can finally manage the last year without bursting into tears at inappropriate times.

One of the benefits of not feeling like I'm at the constant beck and call of a flight or fight response is seeing things with some perspective.  Instead of being hit in the face by branches, I'm able to see the forest as a whole.  That perspective does a lot to ease anxiety.  It also helps in seeing where you are and where you want to go.  A sense of having the power to self direct instead of feeling the victim tossed about in an emotional storm is probably the clearest sign of recovery for me.

With anger and frustration being less central in my thinking, I tend to an abiding sadness when I think of Mum, but that extra serotonin uptake seems to blunt the emotional edge, so I don't fall into a pit when I feel that sadness.  Being able to look at it and then look away really helps.

I wouldn't want to stay on this stuff forever.  The hot flashes aren't any fun at all and emotionality seems to be the engine that drives libido; it'd be nice to have that back.  On the upside, I'm not having any digestive problems with it.

As a means of handling an overwhelming emotional crisis, I'd have to say that this particular pill has really helped.  Once I've got a handle on the situation, it'll be nice to put the crutches down again though.